My First Nursing School Disappointment
Today, I had my first nursing school disappointment. It really hit me hard. (I was surprised by how disappointed I felt.)
I went today to be tested on my CNA skills (Certified Nurse Assistant). You'd think I'd be good at those skills by now. In my paramedic clinicals in the hospital and on the ambulance, I've been putting on the electrodes for electrocardiograms (ECG/EKG). I can draw blood, start IVs, give medications and fluids, and check blood glucose levels. I check pulse and blood pressure as part of patient assessments.
Unfortunately, my confidence was minimal today. And, my apprehension was great when I needed to check a pulse and take a blood pressure in a testing situation.
I didn't trust myself. I was obviously nervous. I did not perform well. I pressed too tightly when I was checking the pulse, and my fingers were not in the best spot for the best feel of the pulse. And, I did not release the valve on the blood pressure cuff in a slow, smooth manner. So, it was impossible to get an accurate reading.
The result of all this? I now have to take a 12-hour class (for 1 hour of college credit). It will cost about $80. There is no alternative. If I don't take the class, I'll not be able to start nursing school in August.
It was mostly a blow to my ego. I'm not so upset with myself if I don't get every vein on the very first movement of the needle when I start an IV (although I WANT to get every vein with minimal stress to everyone involved), because even RNs and Paramedics have trouble finding the vein sometimes.
But, not being smooth in my release of the valve for the BP cuff and holding too tightly when checking a pulse ... that just wasn't okay. I was so critical of myself. I felt like I would cry. It really surprised me.
The RN who did the testing is obviously a sweetheart. She was SO nice. She was SO encouraging. She gave us every possible opportunity to do well. And, I STILL just couldn't get it together.
I was VERY disappointed in myself.
I'm glad she was the person who was doing the testing. I don't know what I would have done if someone harsh or insensitive had been doing the testing.
I didn't realize I was still so fragile.
I've been doing so well with all these new things I've been learning and seeing. I've seen people with 3rd degree burns on 80% of the body (in a burn unit). I've seen babies just hours away from death (in a pediatric intensive care unit). I've seen nurses struggle to keep someone stable immediately following open heart surgery (in a cardiac intensive care unit). I've found myself holding my breath on the way to a scene, not knowing if the person we'd find at an address or in a crashed automobile would be dead or beyond help.
So, I was really surprised that my lack of finesse with checking pulse and BP today, and my need for remediation (what I'm calling it), felt like such a blow. I guess I have a lot more ego involved in this than I thought. I guess it's just that checking vital signs is such a basic skill. For me not to do a basic skill well feels huge.
I must be tired! It's clear that I am. I work 40 hours at my job. I'm in school 24 hours. And, in the past two weeks, I've also done about 30 hours of clinicals each week on ambulances and in hospitals.
The silver lining is that it won't hurt me to go to that class. It can only help. The only harm is a bruise to my ego! And, that will clear up in a few days. (I'd say 'in a few hours', but a few hours have already passed, and it's still bothering me.)
I saw my physician today for my yearly physical. I told her about all that's going on in my life and about my FAILURE today (how I feel about it), and about the REMEDIAL CLASS (how I feel about it) that I'll have to take. She was cool. She said what I know, but what I don't yet feel. "You can always learn something. And, look at it this way. It just means better patient care."
The other good thing is that the nurse who tested me, and who so very reluctantly didn't pass me, is the one who will be teaching the skills class. So, what I did not do well today, I WILL do well after twelve hours in her class. And, I will be grateful, by then, for the opportunity to hone my skills and increase my confidence.
I have to remind myself of something I heard somewhere. I think it's used by various 12-step groups. It's a very cool saying. "H.A.L.T. - Never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired." You are most prone to fall (or fail, or slip ... ) when you are TOO hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. HALT!
I am very hungry right now. And, I am very tired.
I'm going to dinner now. And, maybe tonight will be a good night to get to bed early.
posted by jordanrep.com/10522 @ 5:20 PM
2 Comments:
"Phaedra said...
What made you want to be come a nurse?"
It caught me completely by surprise, and I resisted the idea at first (just because it was not something I had ever dreamed of for myself).
Two years ago, I was in a job where I had to assist with dressing, bathroom visits, bathing, and other activities of daily life.
I took the CNA class two Octobers ago after hearing two RNs teach training classes for my job.
They obviously knew what they were talking about. They obviously enjoyed what they were teaching. And, rather than resenting or discouraging questions, they seemed genuinely happy that I was interested and wanted to know more. I was impressed.
I took the CNA class mostly just for fun. I had the time to do it. So, I did.
I was surprised to discover that I really enjoyed what I was learning (even gross things like the stages of bed sores and the proper way to clean a catheter). It was all interesting.
The first week was not even over before I knew I'd be going to nursing school. At first, I had a hard time with the idea of identifying myself as a nurse (mostly because of cultural attitudes about nurses and doctors). But, that passed after some time.
At this point, I am still very much impressed with many nurses I've met. I do believe that nursing is a caring profession.
I hope that the nursing profession will continue to attract those who actually care about people (even though it is now a career path with job security and a good income, so it will probably attract more and more people who are just in it for a paycheck).
For me, nursing provides a good match of fascinating subject matter, helping people, job security until retirement, and the opportunity to live anywhere I want and know that I will be able to work in my chosen profession.
In addition to all of that, I believe that the more I know, the better I will be able to take care of myself and those I love. And, probably, the better quality health care I will receive, simply because I will know the right questions to ask.
I don't know if that's everything that went into my decision, but it's all I can think of for now.
Hey Deb!, This is Deb in NC...I SOOOooo enjoy reading your Blogs...What a great way to keep up with what you are up to...You lead such an exciting life. Mine has not been nearly as much adventurous since you left the state...It was great seeing you when you were in town. I'm sorry to hear about your test...you have the right attitude about it though. I administer college board tests all day long, so I know what you mean when you say your ego prevented you from doing well on basic skills. Based on some of the scores that I see...well, I won't go there.... You just have to work through it and stick with it. Today, a 60+ year old lady, a recently displaced worker who has never even turned on a computer before, came in so that I could tutor her on how to use a computer. This was in preparation for her computerized placement test that she will be taking next week...can you imagine starting over at her age...you've got to admire that. Anyway, hang in there. I know that you are doing what you are meant to do. Take care...........Debbie C.
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