Calm Water
School is not yet out. I have not yet successfully completed the semester. But, late last week, I hit the same place I hit last semester when there were only a few weeks left.The best way to describe it is that for weeks, I've been holding on for dear life to a raft that's been bouncing over rocks and snagging on tree branches and flipping over and over and spinning, spinning, spinning. Finally, over the last waterfall, I slipped into calm water.
It's not that anything has changed. It's just that I've hit that place where I can say, "I'm doing all I am able to do. I will either make it out of here successfully or I won't." All the things that have been worrying me are still there, but I've hit the spot where I'm now saying, "Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and there is nothing more I can do about any of it."
I like the peaceful place. A classmate calls it being fatalistic. I don't know if that's what I'd call it. It's more like finally acknowledging that I have no control over what will happen. I cannot control what the river might ultimately do to me.
All I can do is keep holding on as if my life depended on it, for it does in a figurative way. That's all I can do. The rest is out of my hands. Being in the place where I can feel that is where I like to be.
The river may still be rushing all around me, but it feels like I've found a peaceful spot where I can stay until the water level drops. I could still die, figuratively speaking, but I'm not worrying about it right now. I'm just enjoying the blue of the water and the green of the trees.
I don't yet know if I'll make it out of the river alive, but for now, I'm enjoying this moment of peace.
posted by jordanrep.com/10522 @ 6:51 PM
2 Comments:
Ah, the Western mind. Anything that entails release equals giving up and that, of course, leads to death.
You just float, dear. Float.
Dear Country Bunny lady,
I popped back into blogging again and showed up to find your lovely thoughts. This post reminds me so much of our family's canoe trips on the Current River that were organized by the Girl Scouts in the Missouri Ozarks so many years ago.
Love ya.
Gareth
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